friendship.

Lately I've been thinking about friendship in the light of my own experiences and what I've come to realize about friendship dynamics:

Not always, but there's usually a dominant one and a passive one in a friendship, the passive one letting the dominant friend have bigger control over their relationship and everything else.

It can get frustrating if you're the one who has, whether on purpose or not, have agreed to fill the role of the non-dominant, 'passive' friend.

The thing is though, someone shouldn't be friends with you because you cater to their description of what they need out of a friend. They shouldn't be friends with you because you're the friend they need and want you to be.

They should be friends with you because they simply want/enjoy being friends with you for who you are. All of you. ALL sides of you. And if you're in a certain mood but they're in a mood where they need you to be something else, who should be the one adapting to the other? Should there BE any adapting at all? If not, how will these two friends come to be on the same page?

Confusing much? I know I am.

It's interesting when you know your dominant friend enough to understand exactly what she wants and expects out of a friend, yet maybe she shouldn't EXPECT anything at all. Maybe it shouldn't be about the passive friend struggling to fit that role all time, because that's not real friendship at all.

All I know is, I'm the kind of person that gets hurt easily by the ones she loves, I guess. And sometimes when I'm hurt and don't want to be hurt anymore, I tend to apologize to end the argument just to get it over with, even when I'm not the one in the wrong.

I should start taking charge and turn some of my friendship dynamics around.

Funny thing is, I'm not always the passive friend. In some of my friendships, albeit only a few, I'm the dominant one. I literally have the smallest ego I know and very low self-esteem, so I tend to conveniently fill the passive friend role a lot. People with no egos find it easy to apologize when they're wrong and people with low self-esteem will easily apologize even when they're right.

This is exactly what I do.

Maybe it's time to stop apologizing, being the one to take the blame just for the sake of ending the argument, and teach some people around me how to apologize when they're in the wrong.

Might be harsh and out-of-character but I encourage everyone in my situation to do the same. You might lose a couple friends, but then maybe they weren't your real friends in the first place.

You might win some, impressing people with your new self-confidence. I know I suffered (and still do) with low self confidence my whole life, but it's pretty easy to hide it now.

It's alllll about how you present yourself to others. Do it long enough to get good at it and no one will truly know the real you unless YOU decide it's time to reveal it to them.